I knew when I left my husband that one day I would have to deal with the fact that he would be dating someone who eventually he would want a long terms relationship. I was cool with that but was very hesitant on having any women (or men in my case) being around the children.
Last year he had come to me with the news that he had been seeing someone for a year and knew that my one ask when we split was to not bring the kids around the women he was dating until he knew it was serious. I appreciated the fact that he came to me about it but I wanted to know who this was. I felt like as a mother, I wanted to know who was going to be around my children whether it be a lot or a little. I’m pretty sure he was confused as to why I wanted to meet her but agreed.
That was in July.
He never mentioned to me that he was making plans with her to determine a date that we could meet so I would occasionally bring it up to him. Shortly after I would get a text such as,
“So, why do you want to meet her?”
My response would start out something like…
“I’m their mother and I have a right. You know my past and you should damn well understand why I need to know who is around my kids. It’s not only respectful to that but here are other reasons: ……” and it would go on. I would send a book to him on why I want to meet this woman. Of course, since my first blow up email at work, I remembered that it was best to write it out then send it to someone else or just delete it after and send it again when I wasn’t so pissed off.
I did that and I’d feel so much better and when calm, I’d write a small reply without losing my mind.
His expectations were that I was going to just say, “Hi, how are you? Nice to meet you.” then it was over. He mentioned to me one night on pick up that when I met him at our usual spot, I could meet his girlfriend. I explained to him that I wasn’t looking for a ‘Hi-Bye’ type of meet, I wanted to sit down with this girl and see what she was like an how she interacted with my kids. Simply put, I wanted to know who she was. So the first night I thought I was meeting her, didn’t end up happening.
That was weeks ago. Today while at lunch with my girlfriend, I got a message from him to meet at McDonald’s which is not the usual; it’s more like the NEVER. I had asked him to confirm the location as this was way more East than he lived but turns out I was looking Toronto, not Mississauga. He then mentioned that he thought I wanted to meet his girlfriend so it made sense that we could meet at that time.
I have to admit, I had to pee really bad because I didn’t get to relieve my bladder while at the restaurant but as I got out of my car, I saw them pull up and Kinsley noticed me. I didn’t want to bolt off and she wonder where I went, so I walked up, opened her door and greeted her. I could see his girlfriend in the front but I wanted to run over to see Kylan because I really needed to pee! As she gets out, I look over, we say hello to each other and while he is trying to get Kylan out, I say I need to run to pee or I was literally going to pee my pants. Kinsley and I ran inside.
My intention was to see how she was with my kids, to see her personality and what she was like around me. You could tell she was nervous but I tried to make the situation as comfortable as possible. I would talk about things, look at her when speaking so he knew I was involving her and not wanting her to feel awkward. I also wanted to let her know what the boundaries were when it came to my kids. Don’t be yelling at them (that’s their fathers job), don’t cut their hair, don’t leave them with any man except their father and if there is an issue that you think I should know….let me know. I wasn’t planning on being nasty about it but I needed to set the expectation. I didn’t want to have this conversation in front of the kids because m daughter would have heard it all so I was good to wait until the kids went into the play land.
Turns out, they were heading to dinner as the kids were finished eating so my discussion I wanted to have with her, didn’t happen.
Overall, she seemed like a nice person. I don’t have any plans to have any more conversations with her until they decide to move in with each other, if that happens. I am thankful for both of them taking the time and meeting with me so I could rest knowing that she doesn’t seem like a crazy and seems to have respect for the co-parenting relationship I have with him.
I am lucky in the fact that he respects my wishes when it comes to our kids but not everyone is so lucky – actually, a lot of people are not so lucky. Because I don’t have experience in any real drama or hate towards the kids father, it’s hard for me to speak on those situations but if I did – if I had someone who would prefer that we not meet, I would fight. I would bitch and bicker and complain (away from the kids) until he gave in. If he didn’t, I’d use my investigation skills, find out who it is, contact her and politely let her know my wishes. If she was a woman/man who cared about their other halves children, they would respect the request and allow the meeting to happen.
In the end, it’s all about the children. If everyone can get along or even be cordial to one another which avoids the children feeling or seeing the tension between the adults and it’s overall a better thing for the kids. In fact, it’s just a better way for everyone. If I had it my way, my ex, his girlfriend and I would have times when we could all get together and do things…to make sure the kids see that all is OK. But I understand that not everyone is like that and they, too, might not be like that so I leave it be and if it happens, great. If not, oh well.
So long as everyone is happy! Living life fighting, arguing and not getting along is not living a great life at all.