For the past 6 years, I have compared myself to my old modelling photos from 15 years ago. No, I was never really a model but I tried to be. Back when I was young, I was thin and fit. My Mom was always super skinny until she got older and the same with me but I got bigger because I got married, then pregnant and figured that my husband at the time would have to love me no matter what, so I let myself go. I went from a size 5 slowly to an 8 then up to 16. I doubled in size.
Now, I know things expanded a bit from the pregnancy which is fine but when it came to everything else, it was all on me. I used every excuse in the book to eat potato chips, fries and chocolate bars all the time. And candy, well, candy was life for me. I ate and ate and ate. I stopped going to the gym and gave up on feeling great both inside and out.
When people go through a divorce, many of them decide to start over again and that includes shedding off the weight that they gained during the marriage. They have a new look on life, they start to feel better and want that to reflect externally. Well, I did the exact opposite of that. I didn’t feel sorry for myself but I just didn’t care. Now I was a single mother with a 6 month old and a 3 year old. I didn’t care what people thought about me and I was in no way ready for another man to come into my life so it was yet again, a perfect excuse to be lazy, eat whatever I wanted to and not give a care in the world except about my children.
Though every day I looked in the mirror, I felt sadness. I didn’t feel pity nor guilt but I felt sad because I knew that I was trying to cover up many other emotions I was feeling and had pent up for years.
I felt unworthy but I thought I brought it on myself.
I felt angry at myself because I couldn’t keep my marriage together.
I felt sad because I didn’t have anyone to talk to.
I felt displaced because pretty much all my friends were gone.
I felt like I was a disappointment to my work.
My cover up to those feelings was the attitude of “I don’t give a shit anymore” and I didn’t. I stopped myself from having new friendships, relationships, a great job that I loved, people who respected me, feelings of loving and being loved; happiness in general. I was pretending to be someone and something I was not. I was miserable and couldn’t put my finger on what exactly it was. It was a smorgasbord of things which made me feel like I was all over the place. The easiest thing for me to do was focus on the kids in Yoga pants that stretched like crazy.
I started to feel sluggish, I was starting to buy XL just so my clothes weren’t digging into my stomach or making me have four love handles. Internally, I was feeling horrible. I was bloated all the time and my stomach pains were getting worse. My energy was low but I equated it to me getting old and not going to the gym anymore. I just kind of hoped that one day, the weight would come off, the stomach pains would stop and I would feel normal again.
I wouldn’t date men because I was so disgusted with how I let myself get. I was used to being so skinny my entire life and I knew I looked great and I felt great but doubling in size but a huge damper on me and I truly thought that no man would ever want to see me naked if I looked the way I did. I didn’t realize how impactful this weight was on my life until the day someone asked why I don’t date.
“No one wants to see this body naked!” I told them.
I have yo-yo dieted like a mad woman. I was successful at losing weight at one point but gained it right back after I went on vacation because I didn’t care about my life again after that. But I continued to still feel horrible. I couldn’t figure it out and my frustration was piling on top of all of the other frustrations that I was having.
One day I saw a post on Facebook about a few people started Keto but for the purposes of fixing themselves on the inside rather than the outside. They explained how Keto helped many of their ailments disappear and those internal ailments were exactly what I was having. So at that moment, I figured this is my last hope – if this doesn’t work, I am going to have to deal with the pain for the rest of my life. So I hopped on the Keto wagon with the mindset of 100% failing within the first three days.
Here I am, day 100 and the pains are gone. The bloating (from the breads and acidic crap I used to eat) is gone – unless of course I eat them then they come back. The pain is gone and the gas is – well, that will never be gone but it’s so much less now. And another huge bonus is that after 30 plus years, I can finally POOP without taking Ducoral! Seriously, people. I had to take two pills every other day just to poop. Gross, gross, I know but hopefully someone else going through the same thing might see this and have a breakthrough.
Not only is there that but the other benefit with Keto the weight loss. I was at a steady 155 pounds before having kids, and I have managed to go from 190 pounds to to 169 pounds and I feel amazing! I am not striving to be 155 pounds again and it’s because I am finally at a comfortable weight, a comfortable internal operating system and can finally put socks on without running out of breath.
It was never about be caring about what others thought of me. It was always about feeling good, inside and out. I never walked around thinking I was hotter than the next hot chick and I never put anyone down for weighing more than me – it was never an issue. The problem was that I didn’t feel right. When you don’t feel right on the inside, you feel that 10 fold on the outside.
I have had kids, I am not expecting to be supermodel size and in fact, I embrace these little (and some still big) rolls I have and if people want to judge me for that, that’s cool because I am not here to impress them or you or anyone else. I am on this planet to give love, be loved, spread happiness and live a happy life, be joyful and to raise amazing children who will help spread even more love and kindness to others in the future – they will help make this world a better place, not a worse one.
I am a 38 year old single parent that is trying her best to be a good person and raise awesome and grateful kids. Finally, after a long battle with fighting myself, I have won. I am ready to love my life and live my life again, love handles, back rolls and all! Not to mention, people all around me have been passing away and it’s really made me realize that I need to stop worrying about what I look like externally and enjoy every minute I have on this Earth because you really have no idea how long you have to live it.
I don’t want regrets when I die.