As I sit here in the fancy King West hotel here in Toronto, waiting for my children’s father to finish spending time with the kids at my place, I find myself yet again, alone.
Since leaving my husband, now over three years ago, I’ve been on my own and I actually love it. My entire life I have been in relationships – long ones – and of course I never ever wanted to be a single mom, hell, I didn’t even want to be a mother until I met him. Though my goal was never to have kids, get married then break up, it ended up happening. Anyhoo, I don’t love the fact that we are separated but I love the fact that I have proven to myself that I am capable of doing anything on my own. If one can raise two children on their own, one can RULE THE WORLD!
But let’s pass the boring stuff. My heart has been very closed since the ending of that relationship but recently found myself maybe opening it up a bit. I would wake up by myself as usual, flop my entire body to my right of the bed and sprawl out as much as I could…all while my eyes would lie there staring at nothing…just a wall…wishing at times that I had someone there with me – and not my kids. They sneak into my bed enough.
I thought maybe it was just a thing that was happening and pushed it off for a while. But the feeling kept coming on stronger so eventually I caved and put my profile up on Bumble. I feel like I’ve got a few strikes against me once my profile goes up already:
- Single Mom | Working full time and spending what little time you have left with your kids, gives you no time for much socializing.
- I am only attracted to black men – don’t ask – it’s just my preference. So right there I am limiting myself.
But I tried – I thought that if I could just let myself be more open, something would happen. And I was very much open to it.
First, was Bumble. Don’t get me started with BUMBLE! I think I should actually make a video about my Bumble story because you will truly see the anger shooting from my ear drums. This experience really turned me off of dating in general but I knew all guys weren’t such losers so I kept it going. That whole experience lasted about 3 weeks. I find men just get boring or bored.
Maybe I’ll have better luck on POF. In my previous years, well before my ex, I had lots of luck on POF. I met a lot of great guys and had some great experiences but I found a man outside of the app so I decided to give it another shot. I have to say, POF is still a good app but the men are just nastier – at least those I “gave it a shot” to those white dudes. There are tons of men there, probably way too many to choose from and trying to sift them out was time consuming. Of course, all the questions you had to repeat and the answers just the same; KILL ME! One dude started off being an idiot and because I wouldn’t respond to him, he ended up flipping me a dick pic then the next morning he sent me a topless pic of him drinking the coffee giving me the finger. But with all the dull conversations, I found one! We met up twice and things went great, then he ghosted me; or he died, which I hope not.
So I gave a last chance to an app called Happen – basically you can track those who pass you within a certain km and if you like them, it might be a match. It was all filled with men who were absolutely not my kind of guy. By this time I was already pissed with the experiences I had with all of these apps, I was pretty much out the door. I messaged the guys who I was still chatting with on the apps who hadn’t asked for my number and told them I was out and I might be back next year.
What I have realized is that I do love being alone – I think it’s a mix of protecting my children, my heart and honestly I don’t have the time. How do single parents have the time or energy to date? I’d rather do speed dating at this point but I have no friends so I have no one to go with. But I do everything else on my own so I suppose it’s not a big deal.
So as I sit here, waiting to go home to see my children, in a beautiful hotel having some wine watching all these people on dates, listening to the jazz band play beautiful music in the background, I feel as though 3 years isn’t long enough. I am taking this as a sign from the Universe that I am not yet ready for this whole online dating thing.
Something I never thought I would say but now I’m old school. I would prefer to meet people out in public – like I’m doing now: sitting at a bar, alone, drinking vodka and soda listening to beautiful jazz music with some chicks hair rubbing on my arm becuase she’s laughing at her dates horrific jokes. I would prefer to have a conversation with someone with no intention of dating them, enjoy the conversation and have something happen. I hate that I have preferences that limit me but I can’t help it.
But, I am also happy alone. I love focusing on my kids and on my time alone but dong everything on my own is getting a bit boring to be honest so looks like I need to get my shit together and start living my life to the fullest and stop f’ing around.